doktorgirlfriend:

Brain: You’re a horrible, worthless, garbage person, and your life is going nowhere but to hell.

Me: I don’t know what the fuck you expect me to do about that at 11PM, my dude.

(via er-weare-meant-2b)

rnyfh:

me, coming back to my senses: I……really ate all that bread…….

(via er-weare-meant-2b)

pokeapache:

earlubes:

gr8writingtips:

never, ever use the e-word in your writing. does your character have green e***? no. they have verdant orbs,  leafy pools, bright emerald fields resting on their face

i honestly thought that the e-word was eggs

(via er-weare-meant-2b)

kingstape:

it costs $0 to not mock others cultures and ethnicities

(via unshrink)

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

one time i was on an old street in glasgow and i made a loud joke about vampires and as i did this beautiful man with long hair on the other side of the street made direct eye contact with me and then ten minutes later he walked by again and looked at me and I still count that on my list of the five closest times I’ve ever come to dying

likely: I am just too loud to not look at in public places and he was just lost downtown

also likely: vampire, scoping me out for the kill

(via itsagifnotagif)

blacklipsticktubes:

happy 4/20 there’s still black men in jail serving unnecessary jail sentences for marijuana possession 

(via thethiefandtheairbender)

discoursethot:

discoursethot:

I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. A guy asked me what the Spanish word for tortilla was once and now I dream of kissing him under the moonlight

this same idiot: what kind of animal is the pink panther

me, already taking off my clothes: benjamin you’re so fucking stupid

(via surprisebitch)